I was broken. I had spent several years after our daughter’s diagnosis of Autism trying to “fix it” and in trying to fix each “problem” that came our way, I found that I was always fighting. Fighting for proper placements and services in IEP’s. Fighting for treatments and test referrals from doctors. Fighting for approval of procedures and therapies by our insurance company. Fighting first for acceptance into government run programs and then fighting for the services that they could provide. Fighting with my husband when we didn’t see eye to eye on what the next step should be. And above all fighting with God over the hurt and loss I felt and believed that He should make better, and over the hard road that He’d taken our daughter and family on without my permission. I was broken, depressed, and had lost all hope for our future.  My body, mind, and soul were utterly spent after the years of fighting and frankly fearing a future that I could not see. (Journeying Through the Grief Cycle)  

What do you do when you are at your end? When you are completely and utterly spent, and you have nothing more to give. This is often what happens in the life of a caregiver. We push and push and push until at last we can push no more. Something gives and we are stopped dead in our tracks. Maybe it’s a health emergency of your own, a broken marriage, a crisis with your other children, the loss of a job. Whatever it is, you only know that you cannot physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually go on like this anymore. Unfortunately, this happens all too often. And for a parent caregiver this journey doesn’t always end when the child grows up.

This is why it is so very important that caregivers take the time to care for themselves. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s absolutely essential to not just surviving this life but to thriving in it. And there are so many simple and practical ways in which you can do this. I like to use the acronym C.A.R.E.

C = Connect

Connect with others. Connection is so important. Whether it’s going out for coffee, lunch, or a walk one on one with a friend, a sibling, or a spouse; or whether it’s connecting with a larger community of people such as other special needs families on a Facebook group or community group. It’s just so important to stay connected to others and not isolate yourself. So, take the time and the energy that is needed to find your people and connect.

A = Allow

Allow yourself and others grace. So much about this life is really out of our control and there is no room for perfectionism when it comes to raising a child with special needs. There is no such thing as the perfect treatment, the perfect program, the perfect school, the perfect parent, the perfect child, or the perfect life. Don’t even begin to put this kind of pressure on yourself. In this life there can also be moments of shear chaos and struggle. Give yourself grace. You are doing the best you can moment by moment and day by day. Give others around you grace too. Your spouse and other children are doing the best they can as well. This will help to keep the extra stress off your shoulders and out of your relationships which will prove to be of great benefit along the road.

R = Respite

Webster’s Dictionary defines respite as “an interval of rest and relief”. No human being was designed to go on and on without any rest. As I described in the beginning, this kind of crisis mode without an end in sight lead to a complete and utter breakdown mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually for me. And I know that I am not alone in this. Respite is absolutely essential to living this life. Your body, mind, and soul need these intervals of rest and relief from the constant stress in order to slow down and heal. And respite doesn’t have to happen all at once. It can happen in different intervals (daily, weekly, monthly, yearly). Daily: take a walk in nature, read from a book you love, drink your favorite coffee or tea, take time for a bubble bath, or just take 5 minutes to breathe. Weekly: see or call a friend, enjoy a hobby, take a class, meet your spouse for lunch or better yet dinner and a date. Monthly: get away for part of a day with your friends, spouse, or other child/children and do something fun like watch a game, go fishing, get your nails done, or eat at a new restaurant. Yearly: get away for at least one night. If you are married this is a time to relax and reconnect which is so necessary to a maintaining a healthy marriage.       

E = Encouragement

Everyone needs encouragement and all the more those of us who are under constant stress and strain. Find what feeds your soul and your families. An uplifting podcast message or sermon, a meaningful conversation with a friend, a bible study or church service, a support group with others who get it, or a therapy session with a counselor or licensed therapist. While respite allows the body, mind, and soul to rest and find relief for an interval of time; encouragement is what propels you forward and cheers you on as you take those next steps in this life and continue on the journey with special needs. 

This is no magical formula, and again I’d caution against the perfectionistic tendency to check all the boxes here. The bottom line is simply that you must care for yourself in some way shape or form as a caregiver; and even if you only chose to do one or two of the things on this list you will find that the results are well worth it. Remember that when you take C.A.R.E. of yourself you will be in a better place to be able to care for others.