Caring for Multiple Generations

Caring for a child with a life long disability can take everything you’ve got and more. There are many sleepless nights and battles to fight on their behalf. As caregiving goes on indefinitely it can take its toll. My daughter’s future is constantly on my mind and heart, especially now that she has moved into adulthood, and we are planning for a daytime routine outside of school and supportive living in the coming years.

This would be enough for anyone, but in recent years, Eric and I, like many other caregiving parents have also begun to care for our own aging and ailing parents. It’s sometimes even hard to fathom, but we are now caregivers caring for multiple generations of our families. I am caring for my daughter, and along-side my dad, I am now also caring for my mom who has two devastating degenerative diseases. I am only forty-nine years old.

Like me, there are many finding themselves sandwiched between two generations and caring for both. It is without a doubt, one of the hardest roads to walk. It’s physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting, and it is beyond heartbreaking to go through as both a parent and as a child. I take comfort in knowing that we have a loving God who is near to the broken hearted (Psalms 34:18) and I cling to his promises to strengthen us for the tasks ahead. Along the way,  I have also learned a few strategies which have helped me to not merely survive but thrive on my journey as a caregiver. I’d like to share a few of those strategies here and I pray that they will bring you hope in the midst of the hard you may be going through.

Take Care of Yourself

Self care is not selfish. It is necessary for us as caregivers, so take care of yourself. If you’re not doing well, you won’t be able to help anyone else. I worked as a lifeguard through high school and college, and one of the first things they taught us was that drowning lifeguards cannot save drowning people. The message was clear. Don’t allow yourself to be put in a position of being taken down. Take care of yourself. Take a break and do the things that you enjoy: read a book, listen to a podcast, create something, exercise, get out in nature, and find a way to laugh.

Proverbs 17:22 tells us, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

One important note: if you are struggling with anxiety and depression, please don’t hesitate to contact a licensed therapist or counselor. Your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical health. When you take care of yourself you can operate from a place of strength, and you’ll be far more effective at doing the things you need to do, including caregiving for those you love.

Invest in Your Marriage

 If you are married, it is so important to invest in your marriage. There are many stressors involved in caregiving, and just as we operate from a stronger place when we take care of ourselves, we operate from a stronger place when our marriage is thriving as well.

Here are a few things you can do to help stay connected and grow together in your marriage. Communicate daily with a face to face, a text chain, a call, or whatever it takes. Date weekly and make it a priority to spend one-on-one time together, even if you have to hire caregivers or have a simple date in your own backyard. Getaway once a year, though it may be only for a day and takes allot to plan and prepare. Research shows that getting away and having time to relax and play is good for mood and physical healing.

Connect with Others

 Sometimes it’s tempting to simply give up and isolate ourselves rather than connect with others. We tell ourselves that it’s too hard, we’re too busy, or we’re too tired. We may be struggling with sadness and grief, and think no one will understand or want to be around us. However, God has created us to be in relationship with others, and it can be such a blessing.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10a says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”

So, take the time to connect with others no matter how busy, tired, sad, or misunderstood you may feel. Connection with others is powerful.

Let it Go

 Often when something feels out of our control in life, we feel a need to control whatever else we can. I spent many years trying to do this. The problem is that a person can only run at this pace for so long, and at some point I couldn’t do it any longer. I had to learn to let things go. As a multi-generational caregiver, it is impossible to meet everyone’s needs all the time. I’m often having to let go of something. In life, it’s important to learn that not everything is going to be perfect or the way you hoped it would be. Life is unpredictable, but sometimes in the middle of the unpredictable, the unplanned, and the “unperfect” is where we find our biggest blessings.

So let it go. Let the house be a little messy because it shows that a family is busy making memories there. Let everyone eat take out and spend time laughing around the table instead of cooking. Let yourself do a fraction of what you usually do for the holidays and be a more rested, happy, and present person.

This caregiving life can be challenging enough as it is. We can either take it all on in anger and frustration and end up struggling to find peace in the midst, or we can surrender and trust God with whatever we may face. I’ve done both. Trusting God has been a more peaceful hope-filled road to take. We can find rest in knowing that He has the plans, He makes the way, and He directs our steps.

Are you a multigenerational caregiver? If so how are you balancing it all and do you have any strategies you’d like to share?